Tuesday, May 24, 2011


I was thinking about making Tuesday's here a Grati-Tuesday kind of thing... but I just haven't been able to shake this dark mood the past couple of days so today I'm going to tell you what's going on in my head.

The Gospel tells us that in the pre-mortal realm we made choices about many things. One of them was a decision to come here to Earth and work out our eternal salvation and it involved agreeing to specific and individual problems and challenges to teach each of us the exact lessons we most needed to learn. But I have to confess there are some days I look around me, or at me, and ask "I made a conscious decision to choose THIS?" On those days I often wonder if there is a serious flaw in my decision making ability...

The past few days have been one of these occasions.

This past February, my 89 year-old mother fell out of her wheelchair. She got a concussion and for several days had a black eye that covered half of her face. For two weeks she couldn't (wouldn't?) get out of bed. With no support system, and no family willing to help, I did what I had to do in that crisis situation. I quit my job suddenly to stay home and take care of her... at least until the savings account ran dry. And that day is coming. My life suddenly became full of granny diapers, endless panic attacks when she couldn't immediately see me in the room, having the same 3-4 sentence conversation fifty times a day at increasing volumes, mountains of nasty laundry and days that often stretch 40+ hours at a time. I am utterly exhausted!

And depressed. And isolated much like a virtual prisoner. And worried about what the future holds when that day comes to find a new job and be gone from home all day long again. And torn between institutionalizing my mother or piecing together some kind of in-home care for the rest of her life. And stressed about how to pay for it all either way.

Basically... my life seems like a botched up meaningless mess.

And I feel like the proverbial deer in the headlights, frozen in place and waiting to be mowed down by oncoming traffic while thinking to myself "I really chose this? Damn, that was a stupid decision!"

That is where I am stuck. If you can offer hope, or better yet a solution, you will have my eternal gratitude. Can you make this a Grati-Tuesday for me?

1 comment:

Kellie said...

Oh my Kathy!

I think the thing maybe to remember that is in the afterlife your sweet mother is going to welcome you into her arms and thank you so much for being the one that made the sacrifices to care for her.

At the same time, you do need to think of yourself a bit and don't take on this huge responsibility for so long that you are not able to handle it. Rely on your friends and God and pray to know the time that you cannot do it any longer. Good luck! I pray that relief and answers will come your way!