Home Again

July 25, 2014

Toward the beginning of July, I told Derek I needed to go to the Emergency Room and seek out some help because I had a problem that was out of hand.  He yelled at me the whole way there for letting it go, but we had no money for me to go to the doctor in May and get my levothyroxine prescription renewed.  I knew I needed it, I knew where to get the care… I just had no funds available to pay for either the doctor’s visit or prescription and we all know that doctors and drug stores want their money upfront so I put it off hoping that things might turn around for us in the near term.  They didn’t.

At the ER I explained the situation with the medication and that between feeling like crap physically and mentally (lack of thyroid hormone also effects mental abilities) and being in crisis financially, socially, spiritually, and emotionally I was extremely depressed and had laid in bed that morning (and a few others I didn’t mention) wishing I could die and be free of all the pain and stress.  Never mind that I had no real intent, no plan and no way to carry it out if I did form a plan… that statement got me 4 days in a psychiatric unit for observation as a suicide threat.  Immediately I had to surrender everything I had with me:  clothing, underwear, shoes, purse, cell phone.  Everything.  Security came to inventory the contents of my purse. (Mental note:  Always keep your purse clean!  They looked at EVERY old grocery list, Church program, card, bill, note and receipt I’d mindlessly stuffed in there for months.)  And then they ran the metal detector wand over me front and back to make sure I didn’t have any weaponry on (or in) me.  I got one chance to let my family and friends know where I was… just 1 call on my own phone before it was confiscated.

Basically I was a prisoner.

I had 3 roommates while I was held in the psych unit.  Weirdly one shared my birthday and another shared my first name and last initial.  Odds of one seem huge, but both of those events?  The statistic has to be astronomical!

Most of the people there were just as normal as you and me.  Everyone had been crushed under their own problems, yes… but they were not the psychotic blubbering idiots of Hollywood’s imagination.  Most were friendly, smiling and concerned with helping me understand what was expected to fit into the routine.  There was a lot of singing and some of the most amazing gospel voices I’ve ever heard, on the radio or off.  Several people had college degrees and to help fill the long boring days I got into some discussions on topics like philosophy, myth, religions, botany, chemistry, food, and travel.  The thing I found most annoying was the television.  It was on 14+ hours a day.  It was loud and no restrictions on what was playing meant often there were violent movies filled with destruction, bloodshed and bad language.  Ironic for the setting isn’t it?

While the TV annoyed me, there were really only two things that I found particularly distressing.  One was that the atmosphere and protocols (especially men doing night-time bed checks on female occupied rooms) tripped flashbacks of being raped in the hospital following my tonsillectomy many years ago.  And that would set off a panic attack and send my blood pressure through the roof (imagine that!  Being in a constant fight or flight state of high anxiety is supposed to make me calm and happy?) so then they’d force more drugs on me.  It seemed like patients were (over)medicated for staff convenience because it’s so much easier to treat symptoms than solve problems.  The other thing that I found upsetting is that, like me, most of patients were being released (often against their expressed wishes and with open beds in long-term programs) into the very same environment that landed them in inpatient psychiatric care in the first place.

I guess there are really three things that bother me…  When I was released, the social worker instructed Derek to remove his gun from the home.  It’s in a locked case, with the trigger also locked, he has full control of both keys and there is no ammunition for it here.  Even if I could get through all those hurdles, I don’t know how to load or fire it.  It’s perfectly safe.  It still had to be removed as a condition of my release.  Yet no one questioned the drawer full of very sharp knives in the kitchen.  Or that there’s rope downstairs and my entire back yard is densely wooded.  No, that’s neither formation of a plan (I don’t like pain and I imagine both of those would not only ultimately fail, but hurt immensely in the attempt) nor a political statement.  I say it only to point out the hypocritical idiocy of our nation’s mental health care system.

Ok, maybe it is a little bit of a statement about gun rights because if I actually wanted to hurt myself, or someone else, I could find a way to do it.  Taking the gun out of the house was pointless.

Thinking about it, there are more things I could complain about but I’m ready to just put that chapter behind me, move on and figure out how to have a happy and productive life.  Now I’ve been home and doing some outpatient counseling for about three weeks.  There’s good and bad to that:

• My doggies still love me! And seem even more in tune with how I’m feeling on any particular day. On rough days they are happy to give extra snuggles and napping on the upstairs (guest room) bed is a special treat we’ve been indulging in most days.
• Derek has a new job. He started exactly 1 week after I came home. It’s the job he says he was born to do. And I have to admit I’ve never seen him quite so charged up about work. He’s selling cars, both new and used, at Carl Black GMC over in Roswell. The commute is a painful 80 minutes if there’s no traffic and he has good luck finding traffic lights green. But the upside is that he has the potential to earn a very good income. He actually sold his first car halfway through training AND after one of the other salesmen backed into it while he was doing paperwork with the customer. Impressive to close that one, huh?
• His long commute and longer work day leave me alone basically 23 hours every day. After being gone for 16 hours, he drags himself first to the shower then rummages for a bite to eat before going straight to bed. With no car of my own currently and a still small circle of local friends that puts me right back into the situation of isolation and loneliness that was a major factor in the depression to begin with.
• My finances are a mess. With no resources left, I’ve defaulted on my massive credit card debt. My once really great credit rating is now trashed. Every time the phone rings with a number I don’t recognize I feel a mixture of despair, panic and extreme anxiety. When Derek tells me he’s got a plan to deal with the credit problems, it helps me feel a little less like a total loser… until the next time the phone rings anyway.
• My Church family is helping by paying some essential bills (rent and utilities) and providing food until Derek is receiving regular paychecks. I’m more grateful than ever for the resources and forethought that went into the LDS Church’s private welfare system. I never imagined that I would have to use it and still say that being on the receiving end is not nearly as comfortable as giving. I always knew that Church Welfare was expansive and complete but I have a whole new perspective on it now. In all honesty, the meals I’ve made and eaten during the last two weeks are the most nutritious and varied in the past 2 years because of the amount and quality of fruits, vegetables and lean meats that were included.
• To help distract me from the loneliness, combat depression and help me focus while my brain chemistry stabilizes and adjusts to the medications I have a very detailed daily “To Do” list. Some days it exhausts me and other times I’m bored and catch myself staring off into space with not a single thought in my head. It’s slow going, but I am accomplishing at least the basic activities of daily living consistently, working my way through getting the whole house truly clean and creating a healthy and whole me.
• I’m taking the levothyroxine again and a low dose of Celexa was added to the daily regime. I’m hoping in a few months I can be off that one. I know I’ll never get off the levothyroxine (the need for it was something done to me while I was unconscious and couldn’t say no) but my firm intention is absolutely nothing more. I’m just not good at drugs.
• As a way to help re-achieve some level of self-sufficiency, I’m going to start an Etsy shop. For starters, I’m crocheting headbands to keep your ears warm in the cold, granny square potholders, sock-style baby booties and Christmas stockings for both people and their pampered dogs. My hope is to launch it mid-September with those few items and as I can get the materials to do it I will add to the offerings.

Love Binds; Respect Unites

Photo credit: Facebook.com

So many issues in America today bring passionate responses from both sides.  Bring them up on Facebook, or even in family conversation, and watch the range of reactions.

Speak of guns, for example.  You'll have those saying 'you'll get my gun when you pry it from my rigid, icy, dead fingers' (myself included) and who are stockpiling additional weapons and ammunition just in case the 'liberal crazies' get their ban passed to those who want to tie all of us 'gun loving perpetrators of violence' to the back of a pickup and drag us through the desert until we come to our senses.  (I've lost the reference, but yes, that dragging through the desert idea was actually part of an Op/Ed newspaper article I read in the past few days.) Different thoughts about whether or not it's ethical and should be legal to own and use a gun isn't what bothers me.

We just had a very negatively fought and divisive national election where extremes ranged from comments stating President Obama is the 2nd coming of Christ personified to those calling him the cause for America's end and the Biblically prophesied anti-Christ of the last days to pretty much everything in between.  My personal opinion falls somewhere into the in between... though I've never made it secret that I don't support where I see him leading us.  But here again, it's not that a difference of opinion about the intent and leadership abilities of our current President exists that's giving me pause.

Say the words 'organic produce.'  You'll get a few plain vanilla complaints about the price but a lot of heated comments about taste, quality, nutrient density, poisoning the earth with chemicals, GMO corn as the root of most modern illness, cloned animals, research geared to show that organic is actually dangerous to consume because it contains bacterial contaminations and a whole slew of sub-issues relating to work conditions in third world countries, holistic medicine, medical malpractice, genetic modification of plants and animals being precursor steps to genetically modifying humans, etc.  Again, being a more middle of the road kind of person, I'm not upset that there are differing opinions about whether organic or modern factory farming is better.

And admit that you are thinking about getting a Pit Bull puppy and watch the battle rage.  You'll have people insist that they are nothing more than conniving canine assassins lying in wait for the opportunity to clamp their massive and very strong jaws around your neck to those (including me) who  say it's all about how the dog is treated and trained.  Though there are exceptions, just like humans defying their upbringing, generally if you treat an animal with kindness and love he'll be a gentle pet; beat him and train him to fight and he'll be a vicious killer.  If you disagree, I respect your right to your own opinion and suggest you get a different breed of puppy when you choose a pet for your home.

I could go on...  Immigration.  Capital punishment.  Welfare fraud.  Marijuana legalization.  Motor cycle helmets.  Speed limits.  Salaries for professional athletes.  Salaries for school teachers.  Salaries (and other perks) for Congress.

Or I can just get around to making my point...

Photo credit: http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?
fbid=484068211634283&set=a.261576853883421.
58806.261573987217041&type=1&theater

What if this contention is being purposefully created?

I'm really not a big conspiracy theorist, but I did find the suggestion intriguing that keeping us so passionately divided on individual issues is an intentional thing... a way to keep us from noticing the more nefarious things national and international governments are doing to bring about the so-called New World Order.  I remember in school being taught that we live in the United States of America.  The UNITED States and that the only way our country will fail is if we become divided.  A house divided cannot stand...  Sound familiar to anyone else?  From that perspective I find things like Texas threatening to secede troubling.  And I find equally troubling that some people are suggesting that they do it.  Quickly.  Because 'we' don't want 'them' in America anymore.

But honestly what struck the chord for me wasn't the whole government involvement angle so much as the idea that creating this divisiveness is intentional.  Where I differ with the the conspirator folks is on where the intent originates.

You see, at my core, I am a religious person.  I am a Christian.  I believe that the people who wrote Scripture were inspired with thoughts that are just as, if not more, relevant to life today than in the time when they were written.  When the Bible tells me to love my neighbor, (Matthew 22:39) I trust that there is a Divine reason.  When it tells me that God is Love (1 John 4:8) and that His love for each of us, His children, is unconditional (Acts 10:34) I believe it.  When it says I need to overcome the 'natural man' (1 Corinthians 2: 14) and become more like my Savior (Matthew 5:48) I see the need to do a better job loving people.

In every culture, love is the glue that binds people to each other.  It's the connection that holds a family together stronger than bloodlines.  It's what makes us friends.  In the same way, contention and discord are what pull people apart ruining relationships, destroying families, causing entire civilizations to fall.  The same Scriptures speak of Satan being the 'Father of all lies' (John 8:44); the very source of contention.  They tell us that his goal is make us as miserable as he is being separated from the love and light of God.

And the same Scriptures invite us to make a decision:  "Choose ye this day whom ye will serve." (Joshua 24:15)

While my practice is imperfect, I know my choice.  We are all flawed people and it's impossible to live up to a perfect standard.  Sometimes we act in ways, and we all do it, where actively loving is hard.  I know that there have been times I've looked at another person and thought to myself, 'I love you.  But right now I really don't like you.'  What holds us together in those moments is respect... respect for every person's right to opinion, to choose their own actions and words.  We don't have to agree but we do need to respect.

Love binds us.  Respect unites us.  And humanity needs a big dose of both right about now.

A Follow-up Post to Violence

I'd hoped to leave thoughts of violence aside and focus on the happier things of the Christmas season but my mind, along with many others' minds it seems, is stuck there.  And with trying to make some sort of sense of what happened in Newtown CT this past week.  I want to say the spark behind this post was that the infamous Westboro Baptist Church is planning to visit Newtown and protest that the killings were God's righteous judgement.  But it's really more than that.  The things that are sitting heavy on my heart and blended together in my mind are widely different.  At least they are on the surface.

Part of it is about sinking their own level to exact revenge on Westboro's founders.  And some thoughts are from the words shared by a mother with a mentally challenged son and her struggles in finding ways to treat and manage his violent tendencies   And still more of me is caught up in the beautifully expressed words of a friend's blog about the so-called 'pants day' staged by women in the Mormon Church today really being about feeling marginalized.

Actually... After staring at the page for over and hour I find I can't say any of it any better than the original authors already have.  To try and regurgitate their thoughts shows both them and you disrespect so I'm just going to leave you with the links today and ask you to read for yourself and see what your own heart tells you about the problems of the world and your part in finding a solution.

It's a violent world out there...

We live in a violent world.

It's always been violent.  We just have faster and more detailed information today than ever before in the history of mankind.  When an event happens we know about it almost instantly wherever we are in the world.  Our access to information is unprecedented and that makes it easy to believe that people are more violent now than in the past.  I think that's a trick our collective mentality plays on us.

Look at nature... go all the way back to the geological formation of the planet.  How much of our landscape was formed by events like volcanic eruption, earthquakes, glaciers pushing forward and receding, floods and even meteor strikes?  Those are violently transforming events.  If you believe we are literal children of God, made in His very image, then at some level I think you have to wonder if God - the very being our minds have embodied as THE image of love and peace and light - has a violent side.  The methods He chose to create our world were violent, and if you read the Bible you'll notice that His punishments when sin has become so rampant that a population cannot be redeemed* is violent.  Could that be interpreted to say that some propensity for violence is bred into our spiritual DNA?

Could it be that violence, and the tools for bringing it about, are part of the divine creative power?  And that when we exercise our God-given gift of free agency and choose violence as a destructive force (as opposed to His creative force) we are misusing that fledgling power coded within our own spiritual being?

Today much of the world is caught up in shock and grief for the people of a small town in Connecticut where a young man with a gun walked into an elementary school and opened fire.  The last report I saw confirmed that 18 children, (27 people total including the gunman himself), were dead.  At the same time, a man in China injured 22 children with a knife at the gate to their school grounds.  To most of us both the acts and the thought processes behind them are incomprehensible.  We are struggling with sadness.  And grief.  And relief that it wasn't our family or friends.

And anger.

There's a lot of anger out there in the conversations about how awful the world's condition has become and what can be done to change the future.  Some say the answer is tighter control of whose hands can legally hold a gun.  Others say more spending on mental health and to address drug abuse is the answer.  Many look to Heaven and plead for an intervention of Biblical proportion.  A few of us say just look after the home and family better.

I live in a home with guns.  Pretty much I've always lived with one or more guns in the house and I always will.  As a child I knew where my Dad kept his guns.  They were not locked away from my inquisitive fingers.  I knew where he kept the bullets, also unlocked.  I knew most of friends' parents had guns and ammunition in their homes, too.  And yet, neither I nor anyone in my close circle of friends has ever shot another person because we were also taught respect for what a gun could do if pointed, even in play, at another person.  Guns do not kill.  A gun is merely a tool... an inanimate object to be manipulated to a person's will.

Guns do not kill - people do!  And making gun ownership illegal will not stop murders from happening.  It will not remove guns from the hands of people wishing to do harm to other people any more than making drugs like heroine and cocaine illegal has rid the world of their influence.  I oppose gun control because I believe it will only remove an honest man's defense and create even more easy victims.

The key point there was that my parents (and my friends' parents) taught me from a very young age to respect a gun for the tool that it is.  They also taught me the other important lessons that gave me my moral grounding in life.  I knew what they believed and valued because they invested their time in teaching me the difference between right and wrong.  Too often, in my self-admittedly flawed judgement, I don't see this happening as much today.  The duty of teaching children morals, values, respect, appropriate conduct and consequences gets abdicated to schools and peers with equally poor parental guidance.  Home and family life have become almost completely devalued in our society.  Without the moral compass provided by parents in a structured home environment, young people are reverting to the fear-based mindset that only the top of the food chain survives and that all means to get, and stay, there are acceptable.

What I just can't fathom is why we are all letting this continue.  We know better!  We have the power to fix the problem.  The question is... do we have the guts to step up and meet the challenge?  Or do we choose to just sit back and recoil in horror as another of our youth goes off the deep end?


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*For example: the primordial casting of Satan and his group of followers from Heaven, the worldwide flood of Noah's time, the many destructions of Jerusalem, the cataclysmic events recorded in the Book of Mormon at the crucifiction and death of the Savior.