Life With Aaron

In the words of my friend and his mother, Angela Henderson...

Aaron today.

On January 19, 1990 we brought a beautiful baby boy into the world and named him Aaron.  He arrived 4 1/2 weeks earlier than we planned and weighed in at just 5 lbs 2 oz.  He was a tiny 18 inches long.  What he lacked in size at birth, he has more than made up for as an adult!!

It wasn't until Aaron was about 8 months old that we knew something was wrong.  He wouldn't grasp or play with a toy or rattle.  He didn't roll over, sit up on his own, crawl or scoot like most babies do.  Often, he'd sit in his swing or carrier or crib and just stare off into space.  He didn't look into our eyes and even when we were speaking to him, he rarely acknowledged us.  But he was a very good baby!  He slept through the night - 6 full hours - by the time he was 2 1/2 months old.  He rarely fussed or cried.  He was content to just sit and stare at the wall.  I guess that sums his babyhood up - he always seemed content.  We were often told how lucky we were to have such a "good baby."

Even his pediatrician didn't notice until I mentioned my concerns to him.  Finally he recommended we visit a child development center and at 10 months old Aaron began attending a developmental pre-school and was diagnosed as moderately mentally handicapped.  Soon we were overwhelmed with his therapy.  There were several different occupational therapies, physical therapies and speech therapies.

A little past age 2, Aaron finally took his first steps and got his first tooth.  We were grinding up food from family dinners to resemble baby food because he lacked teeth... actually, Aaron is now 23 and still has some of his baby teeth!

But Aaron still had no words back then and he became more and more frustrated.  I can remember many times sitting on the floor with him with my arms wrapped around his little chest until he was done throwing his tantrum.  If I didn't hold him this way, he'd bang his head on the floor or bite himself.  When he started to learn sign language life got a little easier for us.  The tantrums got farther and farther apart because he was finally able to communicate with us.

At age 5 he started Kindergarten and what happened next caught us all by surprise!  Aaron had an aid that was just his and went through his entire day at school with him.  She was out of this world wonderful and she loved and cared for Aaron like he was her own.  Not long into the school year, Aaron began to say words and by the end of the year he was talking.  When I say talking, I don't mean like you and I talk... he has a very monotone voice, no emotion, no fluctuation.  And he would repeat and repeat and repeat everything over and over.  But he was finally talking...  And I fully credit his aid for this gift!!

When 1st Grade started up in the fall, Aaron was reading. We had read to him all the time.  ALL.THE.TIME.  To this day I can still recite Dr. Suess' ABCs!  Aaron loves books and music and they helped calm him down then and they still do today.  We could hardly believe how quickly he was learning and while I knew he'd never be "normal" I wanted him to reach his full potential.  We pushed, encouraged and helped him in every way we could.  There's nothing my son can't do - we've never set limitations for him.  He is so very smart!!

By 4th Grade, Aaron was an A-B student on a modified curriculum.  He studied hard and earned those grades by himself.  He could spell almost any word you'd give him; he knew all the states and their capitals, every Cardinal baseball player's number and which driver went with what car in NASCAR.  That is when we realized our child is not mentally retarded.  So I kept pushing the teacher, the school, and the counselors to do more testing.  In 5th grade, Aaron was finally given the proper diagnosis of autism.  I thought, "Of course!!  How could I have not seen it?"  The flapping hands, fascination with things that spin, ignoring us, not responding to his name 80% of the time, the echolalia and the need for a very rigid schedule are all classic symptoms.

Aaron participates in Special Olympics
and L.O.V.E.S. every moment!!

Now we had the opportunity to really help him excel.  We developed, along with the school, an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) with goals and benchmarks.  One of the biggest struggles was getting him to respond and react to his peers in an acceptable manner.  Thankfully they loved him, helped him and accepted him just as he was.  He attended St. Bernard Catholic School and graduated 8th grade as an Honors Student.  Then came the scariest moment of MY life... mainstreaming him into a regular High School.  I was so scared for what might happen, but again he had some wonderful helpers and was accepted.  Of course you'll always find a few jerks, but for the most part he had 200+ friends who always had his back.  Thinking about that time now always makes me smile BIG!

Aaron excelled in everything he tried and he loved learning and being at school.  Things weren't easy and we still had lots of therapy, meetings and conferences with case workers but he was a successful student.  In 2009 he graduated from South Spencer High School (Indiana state law allows a child with a disability to stay in public school through their 22nd birthday year) with his class and the friends he'd grown up with.  I remember sitting in the bleachers and when they called his name the entire gym of 1,000 people or more burst into thunderous applause.  I had tears running down my face realizing just how many lives Aaron had touched.

Aaron continued his education at the High School that fall and that's when things started to fall apart...  his support system was gone:  His friends had graduated and were gone on to college and jobs.  I'd worked at the school since 2000 so I'd always been there with him and then, 2 months into the school year, my job was terminated.  I also had knee replacement surgery that had me out of commission for about 6 weeks so I wasn't there for him in the same way at home either.  He got a new teacher when the one he'd worked with for the last 4 years left the school.  And his brother left for college further disrupting his day-to-day routines.  And with all these changes, Aaron started to change.  He reverted back to staring into space and not paying attention to anything or anyone.  He stopped listening to music, stopped playing his games and he carries on a constant conversation with himself.  There is no eye contact, he won't answer when you call his name or ask him a question.  I've cried and cried.  We worked so hard to get him where he was.  What is going on now?

Aaron and his brothers he loves and who love him!

We've seen a barrage of doctors who've run all kinds of tests ranging from blood work to hearing tests to an EEG to check for seizures.  Nothing!  Every test is negative.  There doesn't appear to be  anything medically wrong.  Hardest of all to bear, he wants absolutely nothing to do with me.  Every time he walks into a room and ignores my existence, it feels like my heart is being ripped out and stomped on.  I am utterly and completely at a loss for what to do to help him... to bring our sweet Aaron back to us.  We are currently on the waiting list for the Christian Sarkin Autism Center in Indianapolis and back to square one.

I love Aaron so very much!  And I so want to find the key that will unlock his mind...

Losing Faith

Photo credit:  http://proverbspurple.wordpress.com/2011/05/29/
healing-from-puzzles-and-lego/

Sometimes life is a puzzle.

And like many puzzles that have been well played with, sometimes it's missing that one piece to bring the whole picture together.  And when you can't find that one little piece, no matter where or how hard you search, all progress putting the puzzle together comes to a dead standstill.  Getting the rest of the puzzle to fit together without that one piece is... hopeless.

That's how I'm feeling today.

My missing piece is a job... a way to produce a regular income and make the rest of life, and living it with some measure of comfort and security, possible.  So much, everything in my future really, hinges on a job.  The pressure I feel is tremendous.  A job is crucial to meet ongoing financial obligations like rent, food, the credit card bill I've racked up with this move... and those are highly important things but even more pressing on my emotions is that it's my ticket out of the living situation I reluctantly agreed to when moving and want out of at the first attainable moment. Without one, I'm stuck right where I am.  And that leaves me on the edge of a complete meltdown on a daily basis.  Being jobless has no redeeming quality at this point and time.

I look at online job postings every single day.  I apply for anything and everything that looks remotely likely.  Or even just endurable.  What happens?  Nothing.  Not even one stinking, lousy rejection letter/email.

I've asked my friends who live or have connections in this part of the country to keep their eyes open, pass my resume along, and, hoping to expand my network a bit, introduce me to anyone they know who might be able to help in my quest.  What's happened?  Nothing.

I've initiated contact with the people in my church who are designated to help members find employment.  What's happened?  So far, nothing.

I've prayed every day for months for God's help in bringing an employment opportunity my way.  Some sort of Divine intervention if you will.  What's happened?  You guessed it...  Either He's not listening or just screaming back NO! at me.  (And the two things I despise most in life are being ignored when I have something to say and hearing an incessant 'no' for an answer.)

Believing that if I did my part God would bless me and make things work out positively, I've made certain conscious choices about life and my behavior in the past.  And for the most part, life was pretty good.  But that formula isn't working this time.  I feel like I'm doing my part and not getting a result that looks remotely desirable and the frustration of it has me unhappy and losing faith that there's any point in living this particular moral code.  All the encouragement in the world to just keep trying and that God must have something really great in store... it doesn't make me feel better.  Sentiments are nice, but it's action that is needed.

Quick action.

My future sanity, security, happiness and very faith are on the line here.

Signs of Spring

Out and about the last few days I've been noticing that nature is beginning to rejuvenate... Spring is truly just around the corner.  For a few weeks now, I've been watching robins in the tree outside my kitchen window.  The first robin sighting of the year is a grand thing to me as it means that winter is coming to end.  I am not a big fan of snow and cold.

The robins in my yard move faster than I can get my camera focused and zoomed in on them so I pulled this stock photo from another website.  And learned a lot about the American Robin and how to attract more of them to my yard .

I've also noticed the past week or so that the buds are noticeably swelling on most of the trees around town.  And just today I was thinking the lawn has a definite greenish hue that's different than the straw-like shade of winter months when it's dormant.  Tulip, hyacinth, daffodil, crocus and other bulbs have sent up leaves and a few are beginning to get flower buds.   And the rhubarb crowns are starting to poke out where leaves will soon uncurl.

The spiders seem to be waking up, too.  Yesterday I saw two in the bathroom (why do spiders so frequently show up in bathrooms anyway?) and just now one ran across my screen.  No worries, they are just harmless little critters that look very much like this European Garden Spider.  If I don't know what it is, I kill it.  But these live for another day.  I've even been known, if it was in the bathtub when I wanted to use it, to catch one in a dixie cup and let it go outside.  They do their part to keep insects that are harmful to my garden plants under control so, to me, they are part of the good guys that I want to protect and have hanging around.

Inspiration photo for patio though mine won't
be so elaborate with columns and a fireplace.
And it will have orange trumpet vine growing
overhead because I already have some of those.

A few more nice days and I'll be itching to get outside and dig into those flowerbeds and finish the patio structure and figure out how to do it and what to use to mulch the garden.  And of course then I'll complain about sore aching muscles that haven't seen that much or kind of movement in many months.  I may find my garden ambitions are bigger than my abilities but I'm sure planning on giving it my best shot.

Spring.  Bring it on!

The Ambitious Woman

On the last page of every Working Mother magazine is an editorial feature called "The Last Word."  This morning I read that editorial by Carol Evans, President of Working Mother Media, from the February/March 2012 issue and I want to quote a bit of it for you.

I hear the lamest excuses for the lack of business power entrusted to women.  "We can't find qualified women." is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Women make up 50 percent of the workforce, and qualified women are all around us.  Companies need to give them the power positions to get them ready to advance.

"When women have babies, they go off the career track" is another lame excuse.  Most women have babies, but they can also create a viable career path even if it doesn't look like the typical steady upward climb men can achieve.

"They don't want it" is the worst excuse.  A lot of executive men don't aspire to be CEO either, but no one says men don't want to succeed.

"Women aren't ambitious" reflects conflicted social norms.  Being an ambitious woman can feel wrong, like living in an '80's movie with the big hair and stilettos.  We need to reexamine "ambitious."  [Is it] greedy, unprincipled and cold?  No.  Ambition is the desire to succeed, to get to the next level of responsibility and trust - a strong desire in women.

We need to get past the subconscious feeling that men are better, stronger, more suited to lead than women.

What do you think?  Does Ms. Evans make a valid point?  Based on my personal observations, I agree that in the typical American workplace there is a double standard between what's expected and what's rewarded to men and women.  And that's not right to have such a lopsided system not only in place, but in wide acceptance.  At the same time, men and women are created differently.  We do have different outlooks, different work styles, different strengths.  Perhaps the bigger problem is how those outlooks, styles and strengths are valued.  Perhaps it's in how we, as women, value them ourselves.  Because it is different, is our contribution less valuable?  Or do we accept receiving less than full value for it?

I have, in the past, worked for female managers in male-dominated industries.  I wasn't always a happy employee in this situation because it felt like, in the effort to be taken seriously in their managerial role, many of these women caved and became the stereotypical nag.  They were hard, harsh, often cutting and cut-throat.  I felt less valued as an employee much more frequently with a female supervisor.  Thinking about it then and now makes me sad.  But to analyze from a distance, I think it's because they tried too hard to be something they were not and so their actions came across as insincere and incongruent.  I'm not trying to assign fault, just to make an observation that  when we act outside of our core values and beliefs it's noticed and we never gain the respect and authority we seek that way.

Perhaps women would do far better to embrace our differences and create products, information, position, power and influence based on our God-given strengths instead of trying to become what we innately are not.

Anyway, that's my ambition!

In Danger of Becoming Free

"In our society, growing food yourself has become the most radical of acts."  That's a quote from near the end of the video.  And something to really think about...

This is not just a lifestyle I'm interested in but a very needed and sustainable business model as well.  It's something I'm going to be investigating seriously to meet my future income needs.