A Fish in Murky Water

I thought this was a profound little proverb.  Then I went searching for the picture a friend had included in a collage and learned it's less Zen and more pop culture... but it's still a profound idea.  The quote actually comes from the movie Bulletproof Monk but it's based on a passage in the Ts’ai Ken T’an (translates as Vegetable Root Discourses) compiled by Hong Zicheng during the time of the Ming Dynasty (1368 to 1644) in China.  The actual quote from that text:  "Soil that is dirty grows the countless things. Water that is clear has no fish. Thus as a mature person, you properly include and retain a measure of grime. You can’t just go along enjoying your own private purity and restraint (Robert Aitken translation)."

I guess that means I've achieved some measure of maturity because sometimes I am pretty grimy!  And sometimes I find myself swimming in murky waters...

This week is a good example.  I've been mysteriously annoyed by everything.  Seriously!!  I mean everything annoys me.  Everything! Little things that should be no big deal get to me and I even realize right as I'm getting annoyed that they are tiny and of no consequence.  So do big things that are a big deal.  I've had to make a lot of phone calls.  And every last one of them has annoyed me.  Even more so when I get put on hold and have to listen to insipid hold music or an endless reel of repeating advertisements. And in that state of mind, I've snapped at people.  I've been pushy almost to the point of bullying.  I've used unkind, some might even say vulgar, words about the general populace of Cumberland, Maryland.

I realized I was getting out of hand and silenced myself in person and on social media.

And I've said I'm sorry.

The thing about ugly words... once they are out of your mouth, the damage is done.  You can't do some sort of magical backwards breathe and suck them back inside you.  They are out there in the universe and whatever ripple effect there is has begun.  You get the consequence.  Some people call that Karma.  Some talk about the universe reflecting back on you.  This has been a week in my quest to learn how to be happy again that's just knocked me on my butt and I haven't reacted well to the resistance in getting what I want.

I also know that I'm my own worst critic.  And I'm trying to incorporate compassion for myself into how I look at life and what I have accomplished.  It's hard.  I fail often.  But I always try again to change that internal dialogue.  I'm trying to believe that I deserve better.  And maybe more importantly, that I can have better.  In all my grimy glory, I can be better because my imperfections, impurities, and the murky water I sometimes find myself in all provide a fertile field for growth!