Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Is Occasional Angst Normal?

Have you ever felt like things are just not quite right in your world even when life is going pretty well? Very much is good and right and even I have to admit that I'm usually quite satisfied. Just sometimes I catch myself kind of in a daydream state wondering if this is all there is in store for me. Sometimes I lose focus on what I'm doing at the moment and sometimes I feel, I don't know how to describe it, homesick.

That happened at work today... that kind of disjointed, unfocused feeling that I ought to be somewhere else. I tried to counter it with a 5 minute walk around the plaza. It felt good to be outside in the sunshine and look at the flowers. The colors seemed especially vibrant today, too, with blooms in shades of purple and pink and orange and burgandy and all the shades of green. It was a riot for the eyes. A very cheerful riot. I felt better afterward but still somewhat angst ridden.

I've been thinking lately that maybe I'm not being completely authentic to who I am in this job. Maybe, maybe not. I've gone through periods of the same feeling with basically every job. And I don't mean I've changed my values or personality to fit into the job environment but that the act of working outside the home feels somehow untrue to myself. When I was a little girl and people would ask that inevitable question, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My thought, not always verbalized, was "wife and mom." Not a popular answer for a child of the '70s... but that's who I am. Who I've always been. That's what I really want from life. What would make me feel complete and authentic. And I bet I'd be darned good at it, too!

But unfortunately, life happens while you are making other plans. And it is what it is. And for me, it doesn't include what I want most. Business success and all the trappings that go with it seem like hollow little trinkets but that's what I've got to amuse myself with. And just wishing isn't going to change it. Not sure what to do to change the course of my life. But I would sure like to.

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