Today's Crisis Taught Me That I'm 'Neurotic'

Today's little crisis that sent me searching through online research for ways to fix myself has, in all honesty, been building up to this moment for a long time.  The most immediate trigger being tomorrow's appointment with an orthopedic specialist because I have what they call advanced degenerative arthritis in my right knee.  The same right knee that I've been complaining about for more years than I can even remember.  The same right knee that every previous doctor has said the only thing wrong with it is I'm too damned fat.

I don't want to be fat.  I've tried endlessly not to be fat.  But here we are at an utter impasse:  I am still too damned fat.

And I'm not too proud to tell you about the negative effects this has on me.

• It means that every doctor I see grabs for the prescription pad.  Well, ok... they rush to today's electronic version of a prescription pad.  There's a pill for blood pressure. There's a pill for pain.  There's a pill for depression.  Sometimes it seems like there's a pill they want to prescribe just because there's a pill!  And my internal psyche interprets every single one of them as further evidence that I am defective.
• It means I can never buy clothes that are cute.  No one even expects it of me; I think they are just happy that I can find something to keep all the blubber covered.
• It means my job prospects are limited.  Limited not just because my knee is so worn out that I can't bear to walk or stand on it for more than a few minutes at a time, but there are places my body mass can't squeeze into (not that that is all bad... most of those tight little spaces would be in fast food establishments and ewww! Lord, no!!)
• It means my recreational opportunities are limited, again not just from the crapped out knee but also because it takes a lot of huffing and puffing to even go shopping.  A hike would kill me!  And many activities come with weight restrictions to keep machinery functioning safely.  So there are thousands of things I would love to do, but simply cannot.
• It makes me feel ugly and unattractive.  I've got classes coming up that require posting videos of myself which my instructors and fellow students will watch and respond to.  That's terrifying!

So... I look horrible.  I feel physically awful most of the time.  And the only time I don't feel bad emotionally is when I'm asleep.

More than one person has hinted they think I'm depressed.  I don't think so, or, if I am I contend that sometimes depression is an appropriate response when life continually throws one to the wolves.  Willing to explore the idea, though, I followed several links and ended up reading a  Psychology Today article titled Four Kinds of Depression and Self-Hate that might shed some clues into what's malfunctioning inside my head.  It says that in neurotic depression the conflict is internal and it's like you are moving "through life as if you are a short-tempered nanny with an ugly or annoying baby. Your depressive lens for interpreting the reactions of other people makes you want them to agree with you that the baby is an intolerable burden."

That analogy is so spot on that it made me pause and blink.  More than a few times, even.  But the next paragraph is the one that made me cry...

"When others treat you well, you resent it, like a nanny watching the usually inconsolable baby cooing in someone else’s arms. If a therapist suggests you treat yourself better, it enrages you, because it implies that this is your fault and not a natural reaction to the little brat you happen to be saddled with. You want the therapist to give the baby a sedative."

In another article, Psychology Today suggests cognitive behavioral therapy and practicing mindfulness may help one become less neurotic over time.  And in still another, this one titled Mindfulness, they accentuate the positive aspects of living in active, open attention to the present; of observing your thoughts and feelings without judging them as either good or bad.  I think they may have forgotten the big one, at least in how it all relates to me and my crisis moment:  just suck it up and deal with the problem.

More about that in a moment.

I wanted to tell you about my path to these self-reflections, even they aren't altogether kind, because there's some really good material to read if you are also quietly trying to work on yourself.  It all started when I clicked into a Marc and Angel article that was shared on Facebook: 20 Things to Start Doing in Your Relationships.  #1 made me realize that sometimes I am that negative person I need to stop hanging out with.  Then I jumped over to a linked article:  9 Things it’s Not Too Late to Start Doing for Yourself.  This time it was #2 that sent me to Google 'core values' and that led me to My 2016 Integrity Report.  The content is good but it's the well-explained thought process that really provides the value.

So about me being too damned fat... I made an appointment with my doctor to see what medical interventions might be available because nothing I've done on my own has helped even a little bit.  Here's to whatever adventure Tuesday launches!